NLP: Beliefs, Congruency & Behavior

Sid Jacobson

Part 1

Note: This originally appeared as a three-part series, in Alternatives (a local New Orleans paper), in the March, April and May, 1991 issues. It has been preserved here in the same three-part format.

How well do you live your beliefs? In other words, how well do you congruently put into action what you say you believe? Do you "walk your talk," or are you too busy talking it?

In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) we've been spending the last five years or so studying the structure of beliefs and how they affect us. There are two wonderful new books available from Robert Dilts on the structure of beliefs, how they are developed, their effects, and how to change them. In this series of short articles I want to go over some of the basic beliefs of NLP itself, which I expect are shared by many of the readers of Alternatives. Also, I have developed a little quiz for you to ask yourself about how well you follow, in your behavior, the beliefs I have listed here.

One way to begin to understand NLP, even without getting into the rather sophisticated technology itself, is to explore our basic assumptions, or presuppositions, that underlie the model. These presuppositions are a useful way of thinking about people, their problems, communication, needs and values. Sometimes just this new point of view will be enough to change your thinking about a particular problem or issue, and take, now, whatever action is necessary to make reparations. As you look over each of these statements, think about it carefully. It is not necessary that you agree with every one of them. In NLP we always invite you to try them on; to act as if they are true for a time, and see, hear and feel the result. Here is the list, with a bit of explanation, and some pointed quiz questions, about each. There is no reward, other than a better life, for doing well with the questions. The correct answers can be found in your head.

The map is not the territory.

This is a fancy way of saying that our beliefs and ideas about how people, life, and the world work aren't necessarily accurate. They are just a guide, or map, of how things work. When you go to a restaurant, don't eat the menu.

Questions:

1. When was the last time you realized something you believed, was incorrect? How did you handle it, and change your thinking?

2. Can you remember a time when you expected something to occur, and something very different happened instead? How did you adjust to this difference between expectations and actuality?

3. Have you ever found yourself disagreeing, or even arguing, with someone about some theoretical issue you had little or no direct experience about? Were you able to "catch" yourself and admit that your ideas were just that, only ideas? Did you interrupt the argument and agree that the two (or more) of you simply had different viewpoints, each of which could enrich you?

4. Do you find changing your beliefs and expectations easy? How have you managed these changes when you've done them well?

All behavior has some "positive" intention.

No matter how weird you think people's (or your own) behavior is, there is some good reason behind it. Sometimes you have to do a great deal of questioning and thinking to get it to make sense, but with patience and perseverance it will. Most people who have, or spend time with, children have noticed that when you ask them to explain their strange thoughts or behavior, they often give you an answer that makes so much sense you have to ask yourself: "How come I didn't think of that?"

Questions:

1. When you've been confronted with situations in which someone acted in a way in which you didn't approve, how have you managed to step back from the situation and make sense of it?

2. Have you ever asked the question: "How is it possible that this person could think or behave in this way, and under what circumstances would it make perfect sense to do so?"

3. If you were to imagine that you could see the world with the innocence and naivete of a child, how would it look different, and how would you change to adjust?

4. When was a time in your life when you thought someone was doing something to hurt you, but later realized they were really intending to help?

The meaning of any communication is the response it elicits, regardless of the communicator's intent.

It is really easy to blame others for misinterpreting what you want them to do. Good communicators, however, take responsibility for getting others to understand them, and respond accordingly. People respond to what they think they hear, see, or understand. This doesn't just mean the words that are used, either. Always remember that we communicate on many different levels at once, both verbal and non-verbal.

 Questions:

1. Can you think of a time when you gave someone careful instructions and they did something totally different than what you meant? Could you later, with clear hindsight, understand how that person could have done what they did, based on another possible meaning in your communication?

2. Can you remember an occasion in which you responded with anger to someone, only later to realize that you had misunderstood them? Did you promise that person, or yourself, to more carefully work to understand from now on?

3. Have you ever made the conscious decision to be the best communicator you can possibly be?

4. What would your life be like if you made the assumption that people responded appropriately to you all the time? Would it make you figure out how you get them to do the things they do, regardless of your actual intent? Would it make you think differently, and understand people much better?

Next issue we'll continue with more basic assumptions about life, and questions to motivate you to put into your behavior exactly what you believe.

Copyright © 1999-2002 Sid Jacobson,Ph.D. All Rights Reserved